It's a warm Tuesday afternoon in April. I'm driving around the city in my 10-year-old
Ford Focus, listening to "Cranes in the Sky" by Solange, and my heart feels like it's
about to burst open. The last few months have been loss after loss after loss.
My job. My relationship. And now my dear grandmother. I want to stop. I want to
cry. I want to give up. But that's not an option. My world could collapse even
more, and the earth would still keep spinning.
Saturn Return Hit Me Like a Freight Train
They say your Saturn return happens around age 28, and OMFG, has my life been
falling apart since. The crazy part? I haven't been alone through any of it.
I have friends. I have family. I have people who love me, who show up, who listen to
me talk about the same situations over and over until I’m even tired of hearing
myself. They check in. They send me encouragement. They do small things to
make me feel loved and supported. And I'm grateful for them. I love them for being
there. But here's what I've realized:
No matter how much support you have, no one can do the work for you.
Radical Accountability
I'm leaning into radical accountability because I've tried everything else. Therapy.
Journaling. Meditation. Talking it out. Crying it out. Sleeping it off. And nothing is
working, so I’m getting up off my ass, stopping the complaining, and getting to
work. We live in a society where people don’t want to work hard. Myself included.
Why do I have to figure out taxes every single year? And why is my new doctor not
in network? And oh my god, no one told me I'd have to decide what to eat every
single day. It's exhausting. The constant decision-making. Learning. Unlearning.
Evolving. It doesn't end. And I can either let it swallow me whole, or I can get up
and work for the life I actually want.
Holding Myself Accountable Out Loud
I never write about personal things on this blog because this isn't about me, but
radical accountability also means showing up in new ways. So this post is me
holding myself accountable out loud and letting the world know I'm not giving up
no matter how hard life gets. I'm taking accountability for the fact that if there's
anything in my life weighing me down, keeping me stuck, or making me unhappy in
any way, the only person who can change that is me. I might cry some more.
I might call my best friend to vent about the same situation three more times.
But I'm taking responsibility. I'm doing the work to change the things I cannot
accept.
